Thought of the Week » My Name Is Sven

Our Anniversary

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Feb 072012

My Love Letter

I used to write about this ideal I held about relationships. I always knew, in my hearts of hearts, that there was a relationship based on complete love, attraction, and utter trust. I always knew that within that relationship all boundaries and limitations would disappear and both people could be truly who they were born to be.

I used to write about it, I used to think about it all the time.

And all the writing and all the thinking was for none because when I met you I understood that there are times when words and thoughts are utterly inadequate to describe the beauty at hand.

What we have is so much bigger and better and different than anything I ever thought or imagined.

Because of you I have learned that TRUE LOVE is as much about loving you as it is about loving myself.

Because of you I learned not only to trust myself again, I learned to completely trust another human being for the very first time.

You show me there is beauty in every detail, joy in every moment and love in every second.

Being together, I have learned that you being right does not mean that I am wrong.

Being together, I have become strong enough to face any task, brave enough to fight any battle, and I will do so knowing that we stand together, forever. We are one.

You and I defy conventional wisdom, we break all their rules, and we shatter all notions by the pure and genuine sincerity of who we are as individuals, part of this couple.

You and I are living the life we are meant to live. A life of compassion, passion, respect and devotion, with days filled with laughter and talk; the nights wrapped in comfort and safety.

I used to write about this ideal relationship that I knew truly did exist.

Today and for the last 7 years, I stopped writing the words, and have been living my ideal…

Happy Anniversary to you and me…

Happy Anniversary to us.

I love you George

Sven

a Thought about Christmas

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Dec 222011

Miss us?

We missed you. Well some of you more than others, but we missed you nonetheless. I know it has been a while since y’all last heard from me. After George came back from England this last month, we just needed to be together and quiet. There is a time and place for everything in life and this was the time to be spent healing and putting life and things in focus.

Rest assured, we are doing well. I’ll never cease to be amazed at the power of time and how it puts things in a better, clearer perspective as the days roll on. The Week in Review will return and will shift locations to Dallas in a few months. We are very excited about the move. We have friends in Dallas (Ruth, Lydia) George has cousins and his sister nearby and it seems a better fit for us city wise. The weather is more existent and we’ll be near a major travel hub which is a good thing when you like to travel the way we do!

Enough about that for now, more about that for later!

I have never been really big on the holidays. I don’t have any particular “special” memories about Christmas growing up (we did presents on December 5^th, St. Nicholas day) and Christmas in Los Angeles was usually spent alone as most of my friends went home. There are the times I went to Michael’s family, those were special. Have them make me feel at home, like I had a home AND a family is a beautiful memory to have.

And now I have my own family with George. The tree didn’t make it up this year, but we promised that it will be featured next year PROMINENTLY in our new place.

So here is what Christmas means to me, today. It is a time to reflect on the year behind us, the good, the bad and the ugly. I look to see if I lived up to my own expectations, was I the person I set out to be 12 months ago. I look at the people in my life who are special. And I count my good fortune. Because as hard as things were, as rough as things got, we are fortunate. At the end of the day, we have each other and we have you. We have a roof over our head, food in our kitchen and money in the bank. And we are wiser, closer and stronger because of it all….

If we are to believe the Mayans, this will be our last Christmas here on earth. If so, remember to pick up your layaway early next year.

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or whatever other SPIRITUAL event this time of year: reflect on where you’ve been this past year, ponder on where you want to go this coming year and try to live up to your own best ideals. Other than that, love and be loved.

Life’s precious and short. Remember that most of all.

Pass the eggnog,

Sven

a Thought about HIV

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Dec 022011

You know I was watching some bad afternoon TV yesterday when I heard one of my favorite expressions: “Perception is reality.” I just love that term because it is so true. Understanding and appreciating that concept has helped me out a lot in my life.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

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Nov 202011

What? What do you want from me? It’s been so long since I’ve written I don’t really know where I am at anymore. Throw in the fact that the holidays are now upon us and you got yourself a first rate something.

So there. By the way, what does that even mean? “They are upon us.” I keep looking up in the sky expecting some damn stuffed bird to land “upon” me at any moment.

Ah Thanksgiving. Oh joy of joys. Festival of food and giving thanks. What do we have to be thankful for this year? Where do we start?

For starters, I am THANKFUL that this bloody summer is OVER. Now that it has officially cooled down to a manageable 80 degrees I can breathe again AND wear underwear while wearing shorts. I couldn’t do that in the midst of summer. One piece of clothing was all I could manage during our record trial run of hell and since people tend to frown when you go grocery shopping in briefs, I wore shorts and nothing else.

What else we got. I am thankful that George is home, with me. We are together in perfect harmony. Side by side we are the perfect pair and precious little things can get to us.

And yes, for as fucked up as it all was I am THANKFUL this little debacle happened now and not in January. Because THAT would have been a real stinking mess, with no house here, no car left we would have been really up a creek. So again: timing is everything.

The sense of maliciousness in what has happened is pretty hard to avoid in all this but I had this revelation a few days ago: I remembered something that the lovely Victoria Principal once said to Oprah Winfrey. She was reflecting on growing older and her look on life. She said that one of the good things about getting older is that you know what to do when bad things happen. At this point most of the stuff that happens you have already encountered in your life so now, the second time around, you have a point of reference. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!

You see, THEIR mistake is that they choose to pull this nonsense on us, me and George. And as it happens, George and I have been through some severe and heavy duty stuff in our lifetimes. (They didn’t know this, ha!) So we have a point of comparison from which to draw. We have the ability to say: “Really? This is what you choose to do? Do you know who you are dealing with?”

To quote Joan Crawford: “Don’t fuck with us fellows. This ain’t our first time at the rodeo!”

I am thankful that while our armor may have gotten dented, it still holds firm. Our dreams and ideals still shine and we will continue to move forward in our goal to live our best life possible.

Those are a lot of things to be grateful for. I am grateful that Rick Perry decided to join the race because now the country can see what a baboon he is. So thankful for that.

But most of all I am thankful for the fact that while all this nonsense was happening you were all right there for me. You were there for us. Without doubt, without hesitation you let us know we could lean on you. And for that we are both so thankful.

Thanksgiving 2011 will be spent with good friends making great new memories.

We are thankful for all that has happened this year. All of us continue to grow and learn from every moment we spend PRESENT in this life.

To quote my father: be thankful shit stinks. How else would you know it wasn’t chocolate!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Sven

a Thought about prizes

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Oct 282011

When I was a teenager, I had but one goal, one prize in mind: to move to Los Angeles. When I turned 20 I landed that prize and my life has never been the same again. Eyes on the prize people!

During my twenties I searched and aimed to find a sense of belonging, a purpose. Because of my HIV and through my writing I found my purpose, I discovered who I was. Again I had my eye on the prize.

The only thing I wanted in my thirties was to find my one true love, a partner, a soul mate. Because of the first two prizes, my path lead me to George and our lives have never been the same. Eyes on the prize.

And then, as I turned 40, together we set our eyes on a new prize: to experience life in Europe. An amazing opportunity to teach about relationships, a converted barn, England all seemed to be part of that prize.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (insert screeching brake noise here)

George will most likely be home by next Friday. Job is gone, barn handed back and life in England is over before it ever even started for me…. What happened to the prize?

Maybe we had our eyes on the wrong prize.

For now George knows first-hand what it takes to move to a foreign country. The trials and tribulations involved with having to learn a new culture, customs and language all by yourself. He has a better and clearer understanding of what my first years in the US were like. And as such we have a better understanding of each other. There is value in that, there is HUGE value in that. It is a prize.

More than anything else, these last couple of months have taught us that NOTHING is worth being separated for. No job, no amount of money, no nothing can offset the agony we felt from being apart. We belong together. We need to be together. THAT is our prize. Period End. And it is a huge prize. A prize worth more than any of the other ones combined, yet only achieved because of that exact combination of all the others.

It always pays to have your eyes on the prize.

Just remember, that sometime the prize you see in sight ultimately may not be the prize you win.

Just a thought.

My name is Sven

a Thought about mirrors

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Oct 222011

It is written that relationships in our lives are often a reflection, a mirror, of ourselves.

What we see in others is a reflection of qualities, good and bad, we have within ourselves.With that thought in mind, I must be doing something right in my life for when I look at George I see compassion, love, passion and trust.Qualities I hope I reflect back to him.The same holds true for most of my relationships in my life: I work hard to embody the qualities that I seek and need in others.

Like a mirror, reflective.

Then what is it within me that makes me react the way I do whenever George has a medical/health issue?Why do I get flustered, reactive, anxious, helpless and at times even resentful?What does that say of me?

What is reflected in all of that that lays within me…..

What is reflected is my HIV and my one big fear in life: to become sick.To get sick and become a burden on George.What is reflected is my fear of what that could mean for both of us.I hate it, I have no concept around it and it frustrates the shit out of me. I have joked with George about the fact that even though he is a lot older than me it balances out with my HIV.A joke based on such a true statement:we both have the same fears coming from different angles.

There is no need to rescue me with words of comfort, I know all the rational and logical arguments you will state.Fear is neither rational nor logical, this one precipitated itself because I am about to leave the comforts of one healthcare system and venture into one new and unknown to me.

Interesting realization though: for all the incredible healing that has taken place in my life because of HIV, I sometimes forget that it is the one thing which cannot be healed itself.

It almost slipped out of my sight, until I saw my own reflection in the mirror….

My name is Sven

a Thought about Personal Care

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Sep 162011

The last time I lived like this, in a bedroom, by myself, I literally had no clue as to how to take care of myself. I remember buying a chicken breast and putting it in the microwave for 20 minutes. I thought that was right, I grew up without a microwave and I distinctly remember my mother taking AT LEAST that long to cook the chicken. Yeah, not so much.

I had no concept of nutrition, desperately depending on high calorie protein shakes to maintain some level of “normal” weight and spent a small fortune on alterations to have my pants taken in. Several times.

The one thing that stands out most from that time was that I felt so lost, so out of place and so unwanted….

After George arrived in England and got settled in, we had a conversation and I mentioned how I worried about him and that I wanted him to take good care of himself…for me. That’s when he said he wanted me to do the same thing…for him. That’s when it hit me: he worries about me the same way I worry about him. So I have to take care of myself because it would be cruel to make him have to worry about me when he is having to deal with so much over there. That’s when it hit me: this time it’s different!

I have cooked dinner every night I’ve been home. COOKED, not microwaved, dinner made from fresh ingredients. I shop daily for my dinner, so much so that now everybody at Sprouts, the local farmers market, knows me by name. I balance my fat intake, along with my protein and calories. You’re shocked, I can tell. I am too!

My pants fit just fine, thank you, no alterations necessary. And I’ve been to the gym every day, I’ve even upped my exercises!

This time is different: I know that I belong, I have found my place and I know that I am wanted….

It is about taking personal responsibility to do my part in this adventure that we are on as a couple.

I am no slacker.

Just a thought.

a Thought about money

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Sep 092011

Lesson #2: part of growing up is learning to have a relationship with money. One that is NOT abusive, but equally supportive.

Ah..money, sweet money. There are chapters written about my relationship with money, or the lack thereof. With George being in the UK it is now my responsibility to maintain the books, track and budget income and expense and do it well. This is now the responsibility of someone whose motto for years was “when the ATM stops giving me money, THEN I know that I’m broke,” should be interesting.

I grew up being shown that money is in short supply, money causes worry and money causes stress. Throughout my life those characteristics have only become enforced due to my own life events. And now I am in charge of balancing and co-running TWO households.

What I FINALLY realized, at 39 6/8 years old, is that I give this stuff so much power. Money has no value and power other than what we give to it. Who I am is not defined by how much money I have. My happiness and love for George does not fluctuate depending on the daily running balance with the bank. It is PAPER.

Yes, I can look at everything that has had to be paid and bought these last few weeks and I can choke. I can also realize that in the rest of my lifetime that sum of money is pretty insignificant, however the memories and experiences it is creating will make a much bigger impact.

I believe great things lay in wait for us, great experiences and events are just around the corner and if I let myself get sidetracked by the little things, how can I ever expect to be ready for the big stuff? I can’t. Because we create what we believe. So I need to work on no longer believing that money causes worry and stress and instead believe that money will forever flow. Because THAT is what I want to create: a flow.

Money is not out to “get me,” or to “hurt me,” money purely exists to support me in what I set out to do in life. That is what I want to create.

Money does NOT make the world go around, gravity does that.

Money does NOT buy you happiness, you BECOME that.

Money does NOT change everything, you ARE everything.

Change your mind, change your life.

Just a thought.

Sven

a Thought about letting go

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Sep 022011

When the move to the UK first became a reality, George and I decided that it would make the most sense for us if I stayed behind until the end of the year and fly over in early January with the dogs. You see, England is changing the rules for brining pets in and as of January 1, 2012 they no longer have to go into quarantine.

So we thought that it would be worth the sacrifice for me to just stay behind, wrap things up and come with the boys in January.

All the other “obvious” realizations withstanding about “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” “time flies,” “you’ll get to do more writing, do some soul searching,” both George and I thought that those were the main reasons for what we decided.

And then he got on the plane and “BAM” things hit me. This wasn’t to be for the dogs, well it is TECHNICALLY, but more so there was/is a lesson for me to learn here. You see over the last few years I have become obsessed about George’s health. With everything that happened, with each new thing I became more paranoid, more of a “hawk,” hovering over him watching his every blink and sigh. (I mean he should have slapped me for all intended purposes! I was bad!) And now, well now I can’t do that.

Now, I have to trust that he is okay, by himself, without me physically by his side. And he is. He is energized, focused and on the go. This whole change has been like a new beginning. I have to trust that we have done all we can do, all has been done and he’s roaring to go.

I have to let go of my control. Would you excuse me for 1 second? WUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

I am back.

Sigh, I have to let go, I have no choice in the matter. There are 3000 miles and 6 hours of daylight prohibiting me of exercising ANY level of control.

But you know what: I remember what it was like when we didn’t have to worry about every little thing and a cough was just a cough. I remember it FONDLY and will gladly learn my lesson to get to a new version of that great place. It is a lot easier on me and George. Life “flows” better without that obsessive worry.

I have almost mastered it, the letting go part that is. Almost. And just when I think I am in control of letting go…the Universe will through something else at me, you know: like change the move date on me.

Funny how that is….letting go of control.

Just a thought.

a Thought about a mental state

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Aug 192011

So I was thinking. I know: shocker right?

With George’s date for England set at August 29^th and all the upcoming changes in our lives, people have been asking how I am doing, how will I be doing and how I am going to handle everything.

Truth is that I don’t have a fricken’ clue as to how I am going to be doing because, to put it simply, I have never DONE this before. Neither one of us has. George and I have been pretty much inseparable since the day we got together. The longest we have ever been apart was two weeks. These last 15 months we have been together every hour of every day of the month and have loved every second of it. We have so much fun together, he is my best friend, my lover, my soul mate and my destiny. My man is leaving for England next week and that’s as far as we’ve gotten.

I expect I’ll be sad, overwhelmed, a bit lonely. I’ll be very busy some of the time but not all the time. I suspect I’ll retreat into myself a bit and do some soul searching. I may reach out to you….

But I could be wrong, I have really no idea. I could become a complete and utter wreck and fall apart while mumbling to myself and stroking my doggies. Somehow I doubt THAT.

What I do know is that we will still talk every day. Because of technology this “event” is so much different than when I first came here 20 years ago. Because of Skype we’ll see and talk with each other every day. We can do anything but touch each other….

The other thing I know is that we are not the first and only couple to go through this. It is however the first and only time WE are going through this. But it is a good problem to have.

Thousands of families have seen their husbands, fathers, sons go off to Iraq or Afghanistan. Their worries and fears are so much bigger than ours. They have to imagine the possibility of somebody not coming home ever again.

My biggest fear is arriving in England in January with George wearing an Ascot and speaking with a British accent. These are good fears to have…..

At the end of the day, I know that all of this is GOOD and JOYFUL and EXCITING and WANTED. That makes it a lot easier to handle and get through.

Who knows, maybe George looks good in an Ascot speaking the Queen’s English…

Just a thought.

Sven

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